When is bad behavior a sign of something else?
As parents and caregivers you are doing your best to provide for your family emotionally, financially, and educationally. Most adults will agree that they experience some stress and anxiety related to adulting. It’s all part of the process. You may go to the gym, have a drink after a long day, talk to a friend or family member for support, watch tv to help you cope with the feelings of anxiety. You're managing.
Adults have figured out ways to manage stress, disappointment, loss, fear in ways that are socially appropriate. In general you don’t find adults screaming, crying, and stomping their feet in the office hallway because a project didn’t go well. You might find that grumbling with a co-worker or working up a good sweat helps to relieve the negative feelings and you can move on.
Children have the same kinds of feelings as adults. They don’t always have the words to label their feelings and other times they may not realize what is causing them to act out because they are not in tune with their internal emotional world. Emotional dysregulation can look like disruptive or bad behavior like hitting, throwing, yelling, sarcasm, disobedience, asking lots of questions, being clingy, or having trouble sleeping. It is important to know that kids don’t always have the capacity to moderate their emotional experience because their minds are still developing. Most research suggests that the brain is not fully developed until age 25!
How do you know if your child’s behavior is being motivated by bad choices or something else? Start by using some of the techniques discussed below and see if you notice a difference in your child’s temperament and ability to regulate her emotions. If you do not notice any changes or are really struggling with managing your child’s behavior, reaching out to a professional (pediatrician, school counselor, mental health professional) may be the next step.
Do some detective work: You may find it helpful to begin tracking your child’s disruptive behaviors. There may be some pattern to when the behaviors are more likely to be exhibited. Track behavior over a few days (3-6 days) in order to see patterns that may emerge.
Name feelings with your child: Sometimes all it takes to minimize a meltdown is a descriptive word. Giving your child the words he needs to describe his feelings can be incredibly helpful with taming the outburst and the anxiety. When you notice your child getting upset use a picture chart, feeling wheel or word chart to help name the emotions. Practice using emotion words with your child when he is feeling positive and upbeat as well.
Focus on positive behaviors: Be sure to praise your child when you notice behaviors that are valued and exceed expectations. Lifting your child up with positive words and praise can do wonders. Most kids crave attention. Focus on the good stuff and you may just see more of it!
Practice Mindfulness: Engage in some quick and easy mindfulness practices on a daily basis. Mindfulness helps keep you and your child in the present. Anxiety and stress usually increase the more we start to focus on the what ifs of the future. Here are some fun and easy ways to practice mindfulness.